Why Faking It Hurts More Than Helps (In and Out of the Bedroom)

There’s a Vice article I read recently called “The Real Reason Women Fake Orgasms” that got me thinking. https://www.vice.com/en/article/the-real-reason-women-fake-orgasms/?fbclid=IwQ0xDSwL95hpleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHr1YACrEvgFhqznetLXiwGAESf5P4Wu8Tf8qT9bYcUKWUyNoDyjF_7H-irfq_aem_30VyzdhgSyaYtKGbijCQtg

It’s not just about sex or performance—there’s so much more under the surface: shame, pressure, self-worth, miscommunication.

I want to share some thoughts because I believe when we bring those hidden reasons into the light, we free ourselves to have more honest, connected, satisfying sex. And life.

What the Article Reveals

• Women often fake orgasms because they feel pressure to meet expectations—whether from partners, or internal expectations of what “good sex” should look like.
• It’s not always about their partner’s skills or desire. Sometimes the issue is that orgasms are treated like the final measurement of sexual success; if you don’t hit that mark, you feel like you’ve failed.
• Also, communication, emotional safety, feeling worthy of pleasure—these play big roles. If someone feels uncomfortable being honest about what they want (or don’t want), or worries about hurting someone else’s feelings, faking becomes an easy, though not fulfilling, workaround.

When Faking Becomes the Quiet Weight
I’ve been there—and I’ve seen it in clients and friends. Faking orgasms isn’t always a betrayal of yourself, but it can be a signal:

• Maybe you’re not feeling seen. Maybe your body, your pleasure, your boundaries aren’t front of mind.
• Maybe the fear of disappointing someone else is louder than your desire to be honored in bed.
• Maybe you’ve bought into the story that “good sex = orgasm or bust,” and anything less is “failure.”

Here’s the thing: when we keep faking, we miss out on what connection could actually feel like—when someone truly listens, when you learn, when you relax enough to say what feels good (or what doesn’t).

What Helps (Because Doing the Work Is Worth It)
If this resonates, here are a few things to try:

1. Start small with honest communication. Don’t assume your partner knows what turns you on. Try saying, “Hey, I’d love it if you touched me this way,” or “This feels good,” or “Not this.” It’s not about shaming or blaming—it’s about clarity and intimacy.
2. Redefine what “good sex” means for you. Maybe orgasm is part of it; maybe it’s closeness, laughter, touch, trust, safety. Let your measure of satisfaction be broad enough to include what really matters to you.
3. Practice self-permission. Permission to feel pleasure. Permission to say no. Permission to take time. To learn. To not orgasm sometimes and still have sex that matters.
4. Cultivate safety + connection. Emotional safety is huge. Trust builds over time, with vulnerability. The more we share what feels good or doesn’t, the more both people can show up real.
5. Turn the pressure down. Maybe stop thinking of each sexual encounter as something that must “succeed” in a certain way. Let mistakes, misfires, awkwardness—and yes, listening—be part of the path.

Why This Matters
Because faking is never just about sex. It can ripple into how we show up in relationships, in work, in our own sense of self. When we feel like we have to perform, we shrink. When we give ourselves space to be real, we grow. Pleasure belongs to you. Your voice belongs to you. Your boundaries, your joy—those aren’t optional.

Remember to be kind to yourself and don’t fake it!!

Photo cred: https://unsplash.com/@markusspiske

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